Hey bestie,

This feels so stupid to write. Surreal, too, in a way.

I still can’t quite wrap my mind around how things fell apart. How people can go from being intimate friends to strangers seemingly overnight.

I take responsibility for my part in all of this. I went AWOL on you once I started spending more time with them. That wasn’t fair, and that wasn’t necessary, and I apologize for not treating our friendship with the respect it deserved.

I won’t clarify that apology with any justification – there is none, and it would render the apology invalid anyways, so there isn’t a point.

I overreacted to the words you used that Sunday – I can see now you were just trying to help in your sarcastic, ridiculous way that I never quite understood. I can see how my underlying jealousy and anxious attachment was triggered and I lashed out in frustration instead of taking a beat and remembering you were trying to look out for me, even if it didn’t come across that way.

I don’t know what I did to deserve the things you said, though. I replay those words every day – stupid, I know, I should just forget about it and move on. But I don’t think you knew how much I looked up to you, how I sought your approval, how I just wanted to be better for you and because of you. That’s why it hurt so much every time you’d comment on my weight, or my choice of men, or my lack of interest in physical activity. Part of me hopes you never saw that hurt, but part of me knows you did- you’re not oblivious.

I always wanted to try the things you suggested. I genuinely would have gone on all the hikes, done all the activities, if you had given me a chance. I know now that a lot of my physical pain is caused by an actual injury and related damage, so at least I have an actual reason to be hesitant. But I still would have pushed through and done the hard things because you, at one point, believed in me and encouraged me to do the hard things, no matter how badly I wanted to run away.

I miss you. I miss my best friend. I miss the person who would come over all the time and watch Witcher and drink wine or random mixed drinks. I miss the person who held me after his funeral and gave me permission to release all the grief I held inside. I miss the person who tested my patience daily with the dark humor and the insane sarcasm. I miss the person who went up to Joshua Tree with me on my birthday and watched the stars with me and looked at the moon and just soaked up the stillness of the desert. I miss the one person I could count on to keep me in check – harsh sometimes, but always with wisdom beyond his years. I miss the you that was so excited when you switched stores and could get to my house in less than 10 minutes.

After you got fired, you changed. I didn’t see my resilient best friend anymore. Now, you were mad at the world, and I was swept up into that. Things that we once were able to support each other through were now soured and annoying to you. I became a thorn in your side, and you just cut me down and shut me up. And I let you.

I loved you – and you knew that – how could you not? But I was content. I knew how you felt, and I knew I would never change your mind. And to be honest, I didn’t want to even try. You were my best friend, and I was cool with that. It hurt sometimes, sure, but we all want what we can’t have – and I was okay with the situation. I knew that part of our relationship would need to end soon, and that’s where I had landed when we fell apart.

When we decided not to speak to each other anymore, it felt like all the work I had been doing with him was a waste. I was trying to speak up for myself and say what I was feeling instead of shoving it down and losing our connection is what happened instead – I hated that. That’s not what I wanted – and I thought you knew me well enough to understand that’s not how I wanted it to have gone. I sat in the store and just cried and cried and cried until a customer came in and snapped me out of it. I didn’t want to lose my best friend – not like this – not then – not when I needed him the most.

This is supposed to be a goodbye letter.

I’m supposed to follow the prompts he gave me and write you a goodbye letter and forget about you and move on. I’m supposed to be like you and cut people off cold turkey and never look back. I’m not a cold turkey person.

Not when there is so much history.

I can miss our friendship but also acknowledge mutual toxicity. I can miss our closeness but also recognize the manipulation that surrounded it. I can miss everything good but also regret everything that fell apart.

I will never regret being your friend. I will never regret opening my home and my heart to you when you had no one. I will never regret standing up to them when they told me how they would kill you. I will never regret hiring you. I will never regret letting you into my life. I will never regret the time I spent with you, because you taught me how to be myself again. You taught me how to speak up for myself again, how to allow myself to express my thoughts and feelings again, how to forgive even when it’s hard. You taught me how to lay down boundaries. You taught me about LOTR, and Witcher, and music, and art, and you taught me that I need to stop limiting myself and talking myself out of the things I really want. You taught me to stop hiding behind my imposter syndrome and embrace my passions and do what I want to do without thinking about what other people expect of me. You taught me how to be unapologetically me and it breaks my heart that the first time I allowed that side to come out publicly it ended up like this.

You broke my heart. And yet like a dog to his vomit, here I am wanting to be your friend again. Here I am so fucking proud of your accomplishments – even though I can no longer witness them firsthand.

1,163 words later – you’ve removed yourself from my life even further. I’m torn between being hurt and being angry and being sad and instead choosing to feel both everything and nothing at all. How easy it was for you to cut me out and cast me aside. How hard it is for me to do the same.

I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want to forget you. I don’t want to pretend our friendship never existed, that we never cared about each other. I don’t want to go back to not knowing you exist. I can’t go back to not knowing you. I can’t go back to not loving you.

You hurt me so badly. You took everything I gave to you and twisted it to serve your own purpose. And yet here I am having to balance that hurt with loving you still despite everything. I love you so much that it aches.

I can’t go to the places we used to go without missing you. I can’t eat the same things, I can’t drink the same drinks, I can’t watch the same shows, play the same games, talk to the same people, walk on the same beach without desperately wishing you were beside me. It is killing me slowly; I can feel it. I look in the mirror and I see you standing behind me, holding me, telling me I’m beautiful. Then I close my eyes and I hear you telling me I’m overweight, and I need to change my body, and then maybe I’ll be beautiful like you. I still feel you at night, holding me as close as you can possibly get. When I cry, I feel you petting my hair and telling me to let it out and let it go.

I feel like I am going insane. You shouldn’t have this much of a hold on me still. You’re gone. You don’t care about me anymore. Did you ever really care about me?

Did you care that I held you when you cried? When I pet your hair and held you and told you to let it out and let it go? Did you care at all when I opened my home and my heart to you and let you take every ounce of love I had to give? Did you care when I drove out to the desert to be with you? Did you care when I opened my legs and gave you access to every part of my body?

Or did you just use me to make yourself feel better about yourself? Did you just use me to blind yourself to your true nature? Did you just use me as a steppingstone or a bargaining chip or just a toy you can fuck and then throw away when you’ve had enough?

I thought I knew who you were. I thought I saw the true you – a sensitive, emotionally intelligent young man who had a long, hard road to get to where he was. I thought you were better than this.

But I also thought I was stronger.

I don’t want to say goodbye to you. But I must.

I compromised so much of myself to try and be good enough for you. I let you steal my heart and my body from him. I let you sweep me off my feet and pull me away from the love of my life. And then I loved you for it. I thought you were showing me what it felt like to be loved. I mean, you said it yourself – you are the best example of what a boyfriend should be. Wrong. So wrong. So disgustingly, heartbreakingly wrong.

1,786 words later and I want to hate you, but I can’t. I doubt I will ever hate you. Like you said – I am like a dog to his vomit. I am both infatuated and disgusted by you.

You were so close to breaking down my walls and getting me to run right back into your arms.

I am saying goodbye to you because I must get better, and I can’t get better while I am still missing you.

Saying goodbye to you makes me feel grief and longing. I feel untethered, lost in a sea of conflicting emotions. I am heartbroken – this isn’t how it was supposed to be.

I remember a time when we spent the night outside beneath the full moon and a sky filled with stars, watching the meteors, basking in the moonlight – so content to just occupy the same space. I have never felt more at peace in my life than I did lying next to you.

You taught me how to make moves in silence. Not everyone needs or deserves an all-access pass to my thoughts.

Something I want you to know is that I will never regret being kind to you. I will never regret loving you with everything I had to offer. I will always love you. You will always occupy a piece of my heart. I will always cherish the short time we had together – those toxic playdates will always be looked upon with fondness.

I will always remember how safe it felt to be held by you. I will always remember how wonderful it felt to be loved by you. I will always remember how inseparable we were. I will always remember our good times, our laughter, our banter. I will always remember my best friend  – my favorite  – my “boss” – my partner in crime – my worst influence – my biggest supporter – my own personal TED Talk – my Witcher buddy – my LOTR nerd – my best buddy – my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye.

2,216 words later, I will miss you always.

-Lucy