Hey, it’s me.

I know I haven’t checked in a long time. I’m sorry. I was angry with you for all the people you brought back to your place. I thought – why on earth would you do that? Don’t you know we weren’t done together yet? That we hadn’t finished our chapter yet?

I guess it’s true. Man plans, God laughs.

I don’t think you’re laughing.

I think you are crying alongside us as we navigate through these valleys. I think you’re holding our souls in your arms and you’re letting us release all the anger and the unspeakable grief we’ve been holding in onto you. You’re letting us cast the blame onto you to make ourselves feel better. I think you’re sitting next to us in silence, co-existing and occupying the same space while we struggle to even formulate the words to express what’s going on.

But I guess with you, we don’t need to tell you what’s going on. You already know.

So then, you know what I am going to ask.

I need a win.

I was about to say “anything would be nice,” but you know that’s not true. I need – scratch that – I want a very specific win. I want to not journey through this chapter alone anymore.

I know I’m supposed to wait and my person will come find me. But respectfully, sir, that’s not working for me anymore. I have done that this past year…. and …. you know.

I want to trust your timing and your plan, but it’s getting really hard for me to believe that there will be a perfect person at the perfect time for me. And I’m getting scared that it will never happen. I don’t like feeling this way, Abba, and I don’t want to continue feeling this way.

I’m not saying that if my person came through my shop door right now, that I would recognize them. I’m still stuck on my chosen person. I’m still behaving against my morals. I’m still operating within my cycle. I want to break that cycle, but I am so afraid that I won’t know who I am without that pattern.

I feel so lost. I feel so abandoned, and I feel so forgotten. I feel like such a waste of space, and even though I know I am existing here at this specific time, for a specific reason that no one knows but you, I can’t help but feel like life would be better without me.

Writing those words down feels so stupid. I’m stronger than this. I’ve traveled this journey before and I got out of it. With a few scars, sure, but I made it out.

I want to know that this won’t always be my life. I won’t always be stuck in this cycle of falling in love with the wrong person. I know I will eventually find my person and build a fulfilling life with them. It’s just that the events of the world right now make me feel like I won’t get the opportunity to see that life happen.

I’m trying to trust you. I’m fighting for every inch of that faith foundation. It’s really hard for me to embrace my religion right now. I feel like such a fraud. I feel like I have broken every rule that was expected of me, many times over. I don’t feel worthy to step back into that circle of friends. I feel like if they knew what I’ve been doing with my life, they will judge me and cast me aside.

When R died, they said that I need to bring the real me to the real you. I want to. I want to bring the real me to the real you. I want to fall back in love with my life. I want to wake up from this nightmarish existence. I am so scared I am going down the wrong path and I want to get back on track, but I am so scared of not being accepted by my peers that I keep talking myself out of going back to church.

I’m sorry I have so little trust in my brothers and sisters. I’m sorry I haven’t been trusting you. I’m sorry for breaking the rules and operating outside the circle of trust.

I would love to know, somehow, some way that’s tangible but exclusive to us, that I’m not alone. That it’s going to be okay, that we will get through this together. I want to know that I’m going to be safe when I go back into that sanctuary. I want to feel held and comforted in a way that only YOU can provide.

I want to keep you in my life, again. I want to make you my priority again. I want to fall in love with you again.

Your daughter,

Lucy.