It’s been a minute since I’ve had recurring nightmares, but here we are, sitting in bed, dreading the minute I actually fall asleep.

The last time I remember feeling this way was during my first heartbreak. I remember how the pain ripped through my body, how I felt like the world was crashing down around me and thinking I would never come back from this.

It’s been a minute since I’ve cried so hard no sound has come out.
It’s been a minute since I’ve taken a blade or hot metal to my skin, or at least felt tempted to. 
It’s been several minutes since I’ve felt like my life was completely out of my control and no one can see I’m drowning.

Yet here we are.

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed. Then again, who likes to admit they’re “in a state of general unhappiness or despondency.” I also wouldn’t say I’m an unhappy person. If you met me, you would probably think I’m (somewhat) normal. But, I guess what I’m trying to say is that under that thick skin of perceived happiness is a insecure, easily broken, anxious person with commitment issues. An open book with codes written in between the lines in invisible ink.


I say I have commitment issues because I used to only “date” someone for a maximum of 3 months at a time. Of course, that “someone” was just one specific person, so does that even qualify? I tend to listen more to the flight side of my fight-or-flight instinct when I have relationship issues, so that’s probably what started that whole thing….or maybe it’s because I have secrets.


I’ve always had secrets. From my boyfriends, my best friends, my parents, my therapists, even myself. I know what people want me to say, so I say it. That’s why I got out of therapy so quickly. I knew what she wanted me to say. I knew what behaviors she wanted to improve, and I knew what clinical words I could throw out there and shorten my stay. I’m not proud of it, and part of me wishes I had never done that, but even then I’m a hell of a lot better than I was. 


So, here we are. Still sitting on my bed, still swimming in negative thoughts and slight nausea. Still dreading the dreams that will haunt me when I go to sleep. Still thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I tap into my past behaviors, just a little bit, this will all go away.