I just spent 5 days in Tallahassee watching my boyfriend perform. It was fun….at least for the first three days. Then it got difficult.

Part of the difficulty was with the fact that the role he was playing required him to fly out there a month prior to the show, in order to rehearse and so on, so forth. That wasn’t really a big deal, I can be professional, I get it. I was excited to see him play a star-crossed lover again, and totally rock the Leonardo DiCaprio look. But then I saw her. And then I got a little jealous.

I don’t consider myself to be a “jealous” person. I’ve never had issues with my boyfriends having female friends or hanging out with them, I’m usually pretty understanding. I understood with my brain that it was just a job, that it didn’t mean anything, etc., but with my heart….yeah, no. I didn’t like it at all. It didn’t help that he had just gotten back from a different trip the day before he left for Tally, and we only got to spend an evening together before he left again. But anyways, I wasn’t too thrilled about this new girl, even though I trust him completely. She got to spend time with my boyfriend. She got to see him every day. She got to kiss him, and hug him, and just be around him. I was 2,287 miles away, struggling to maintain my normal schedule and emotional stability. And then I got mononucleosis. Yes, the kissing disease. I don’t know where I got it from, because the only person I would kiss was across the country, but yeah, I was pretty mad at my immune system for really just rubbing my loneliness in my face.

If you’ve never heard about mono, it’s highly contagious, passed only through saliva or tears, and it really knocks you down. I didn’t know I had mono until a week before I flew out to Tally. I had been in a show myself, and when I first had a fever, I thought that it was just the flu, and continued to push myself to complete the show. And literally two days after my show closed, I went to urgent care because my tonsils were so swollen, I couldn’t eat. That’s besides the point. I was more upset about not being able to really do anything with my boyfriend until his show had completely closed, after waiting for so long, and seeing pictures and videos of him and the other girl in rehearsal. To say I was pissed would be a severe understatement.

So, anyways, I get out to Tally, and my boyfriend and I stayed in a house with his grandma and younger sister. But, because of my mono (which had been gone for several days before I left), I couldn’t cough or sneeze too close to him, get my face too close to his, share food, or drinks, or cups or plates or bowls with him. I felt quarantined. It didn’t help that everytime I did ANYTHING, he would ask “will this give me mono,” even if it was none of the things I listed. I resented myself for getting sick. And then I had to watch the show four nights in a row. Then go home, eat, and be quarantined again. And again. And again. I lasted until the third night until I had a major, jealousy-fueled meltdown.

Like I said, I never considered myself the jealous type. But this show, at that time, with those people, across the country, made my heart ache. Physically ache. I would hear about how wonderful the girl was, and how she should do more, and this and that, and on and on about how amazing she is, how beautiful she is, yadda yadda yadda. It got to the point where during dinner, I would completely turn off my emotions and tune literally everything out, focus on eating what I could (very, very little) and then retreat to my bedroom. I loved the rest of the people out there, but I felt robbed of the one person I love more than I ever thought possible. I wanted to support, but I also wanted to curl up into the fetal position and die. Since that would cause a Kardashian-sized scandal, I had to just stuff the hurt and go watch the show. And then the meet-and-greet. I really took to heart a line from Madagascar – “just smile and wave, boys. smile and wave.” Thank god I’m an actor, otherwise….this would be a very different post.

All that meaningless stuff to say, I learned a lot about myself, my weaknesses, and my limits. I know now that if my boyfriend is in a romantically-charged show, I can only watch it 3 times. I learned the importance of strengthening my immune system, and how no one can tell you’re hurting if you smile big enough. I’m still reeling from some of the comments that were sent my way during the week, but my heart is also filled with some really lovely accolades I received from the other members of the cast. I was sad to leave the people (well, some. not all) in Tally, but I am soooo very happy to be home and not have to wonder about what the star-crossed “lovers” were doing in the dark.